By: Marnie Nir, Handel Group
Yes. It’s that time of year: Valentine’s Day. Here’s quick cheat sheet of sorts for how to find love.
If you’ve met me, buckle up…obviously. Ready?
Here are 20 ways to find love, burn your granny panties, shave, and/or give a shi(f)t this Valentine’s Day:
- Fire your current social planner. Uh, YOU.
- Realize that they (see #1) are the very same “coach” (cough, cough) that advises you to push “snooze” in the morning. Hell, they may have even sold you that cigarettes were cool back in the day, Coffee Mate a legit condiment, and eating several 100-calorie-packs is not cheating on your diet. They have no real interest in your happiness, if there’s risk involved.
- Once and for real, lose the weight (or whatever else) you’re sneakily using as an excuse to not have to meet your human anytime soon, while getting to “eat” what you want in the meantime.
- Stop using your kids, your job, your boss, the dating sites, etc. as the reason you’re not in any action about finding love. It’s not true. Truth is, you are a bit lazy, righteous, and/or scared. Welcome to the species. Ouch, but true.
- By all means, let your parents off the hook. Who sneakily claimed them to be experts? Would you give either of them your computer to fix? Then, why are you charging them with “should-have-known-better” how to i.e. marry, communicate, and teach you about love. Nice try. YOU, the next generation, are in fact supposed to teach THEM. Woops.
- Go public. If you want people to fix you up, uh, tell them. Hell, fix them up, too!
- Be as bold, as generous, as happy, as fit, as {fill in the blank} as you want your new partner to be. OR, only fellow sad chickens are swiping right, if even.
- Make a list of your exes and notice your “type” and picker’s sport. I promise you, you are more invested in something other than proving love magical.
- Eh, while you are at it, fire your “picker” too. They are clearly friends with your social planner (see #1) and when you’re not pushing “snooze,” you are picking humans to evidence your bad theories. Instead, why not figure out what you’ve been busy proving. I promise you, even you wouldn’t watch the romantic comedy you’re currently in. Even on an airplane! Even to Australia. It’s too predictable an ending.
- Forgive yourself and all of your exes. Even (and especially) if they were extreme yutzes. I promise you, no kidding, you picked THEM for their yutziness. And, although you will so try and tell the sad story of your failed love life, it would be more appropriate and way more empowering/honest to perhaps don a lab coat, rub your hands together, and laugh like a mad scientist. It was, after all, YOUR lab.
- Only go on the dating sites if you believe you will find love there. If you’re game. If you want to prove it easy. If you’re out to become the best interviewer ever, out to see signs in each and every date of the perfect lessons YOU need to learn. And, psst, no lesson is a negative one.
- Get ALL lies, exaggerations, old photos, and odd photos out of your dating profile.
- Stop pretending you are not high maintenance. Most of us are. Who gives a sh-t (See #14).
- Your human can handle you and your freak flag (a.k.a. idiosyncrasies that make you, you.) OR they ain’t YOUR human.
- Be honest from the get go. Trust that you can’t scare away YOUR mate or, you guessed it, they ain’t your mate.
- If you are truly done with all of the BS you claim to hate, stop BS-ing and say ALL.
- If you want kids quickly, don’t date someone that doesn’t.
- If you want love, the real deal, the forever position, don’t date someone who doesn’t. How very sneaky of you. It’s easy to give your heart to someone who isn’t open to it and convince yourself you’re looking for love. Wrong sport.
- Get clear about what you want, not what you don’t want. It’s not the same.
- Dare yourself to prove a new theory: your human is coming THIS year. If you know yourself as someone that keeps their promise to themselves, then your promise to yourself that you will meet your human this year is as good as DONE.
Still clueless about love? Is dating not the best adventure of your life? Not even sure what you’re doing wrong, or what you should be doing right? Love is complicated, but it’s also supposed to be fun!
